I think I m happy

I don't know what I'm doing with my life, I don't know if I actually am happy. I've been distracting and ignoring my suicidal thoughts and depression and I feel happy. It is constant sadness but I guess me and depression are friends, even when I don't ignore it my loneliness keeps me company. I'm so used to being depressed I'm not actually sure if I'm happy. I'm doing things I like, spending every day well. My dad wants to send me to in-person school, me ignoring other people and actively avoiding them is why I'm so happy. When you are alone the only person to judge you is yourself. Around other people I constantly have a feeling of utter dread, its the only way to describe it. I hate other people I see in real life immensely, no matter how much I tell myself I don't. Life is beautiful but not human life. Human life is disgusting and morbid. I'm not putting myself above others when I say this. Every person including me are all on the same level of shit. Humanity is very weird, humans are very weird. I almost feel like I can't understand them. How does happiness feel for you? how are you always smiley? how are you confident and proud? I don't get it. The way a mentally stable person functions is a mystery to me. I have no idea how it works. Feelings are weird, emotions are weird. We all feel differently. Life is almost surreal. Every time I look at the sky no matter what I think "I will never get sick of looking at the sky." It is the world, nature, our planet. Its beauty is crazy to me. There is something so peaceful about the world, about nature. I also want to be peaceful. With my feeling at rest, not in the sense of me dying. I want to live life feeling peaceful, and content.

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Fluffy Miscellaneous May 18, 2022 at 12:08 am 0 0