Just feel so alone

I've been feeling just really down and depressed and lonely lately, to the point that I'm thinking of self harming. I've got no friends and I can't make any because I'm shy and awkward and weird. I've got aspergers syndrome so maybe that's part of it.

When I say why I mean like extremely seriously shy. I can barely even speak around anyone who's not my family. Like I freeze and go totally silent, or I stutter a ton. If I do manage to talk I always say the wrong thing. I constantly feel like everyone's judging me even if I know they're not. Sometimes I get so embarrassed and scared when I'm around other people that I nearly start crying. I don't want to self diagnose but I wonder if I have social anxiety.

It makes me so angry and embarrassed and ashamed that I can't even talk to people. Like what's wrong with me? It's so stupid. No matter how hard I try or at least intend to try once I'm in front of an actual person I'm like paralyzed. I can barely do anything but try to stay calm and quiet until they leave.

I'm homeschooled too so I like never have chances to make friends anyway. And when I do my shyness or aspergers or both always mess it up. I want to public school so I can maybe make friends, but I don't think I could do it. I wouldn't be able to handle being around people that much. And I'm sure I'd get bullied.

This all just sucks so much I don't know what to do. It's been almost 3 years since I had a single friend. I keep telling myself I'll find someone soon but when will that happen? Talking to people terrifies me but my worst fear is being alone forever. Like what if my shyness just gets even worse? What if nobody ever wants to be my friend? What if I'm just isolated for the rest of my life? That's not a life I want to live. Thinking about just being alone for the rest of my life makes me want to consider ending it. It terrifies me.

I've been having urges to self harm and suicidal thoughts. I haven't actually self harmed, but I'm so scared I will. I don't want to but the urges are getting harder to control. I'm trying not to. I'm writing promises with markers that I won't self harm on the places I want to cut. But I don't know how much longer I can hold on. I'm scared I'll end up doing it and never be able to stop. And the suicidal thoughts. I'm not attempting anytime soon. I don't have plans but sometimes I wonder what it would be like. Whether living is worth it. Or dying is better. Because this all scares me and I don't want to die but sometimes I feel like I don't want to live.

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Layla Miscellaneous February 26, 2022 at 1:15 am 0 2