idk i just need this out

No one ever listens or gives me advice so i just thought id put this here to get it out. Im only 16, yet im used as all my friends therapists but yet they never help me or ask how i really am. I hate myself, i hate my body, i hate my face, i look in the mirror and its just no longer me. I cut my hair to feel complete again and it worked but then whenever i look at old pictures i feel bad for how much ive changed that person in the pictures. I like having short hair way better than when i had long hair, but i was way happier when i had long hair and i feel like ive just changed that person so much. Im exhausted and ill, my mum isnt taking me seriously when i tell her how ill I am because she doesn't want to find out if theres something badly wrong with me. The doctors are trying to find out whats wrong but im just getting worse and worse. School is what was keeping my mind off of everything but ive been off from school for 9 weeks and now its not open because of the holidays but its the only place i ever felt truly safe but now i cant go back and im having to go to college where im massively different to everyone else and idk how to talk to any of them so im gonna end up spending the next 2-3 years in a class of loud people whilst im just in the corner quiet. I used to be bestfriends with my brother, and now he's just a stranger to me and i miss him even tho hes still here but we dont talk and we havent talked properly in the past 5 years. I also had to break up with my boyfriend because of things that he had done but i miss him so much. We weren't that close towards the end of the relationship but we had been together for 8 years and its hard living life without him. IDEK who my friends are anymore, or even who i am anymore but no one i know knows what im going through or have given me advice. Im just in a cycle of being sad and exhausted and it's never ending and i just want it to stop. I just want to be better again. I want to be normal and have people who i can talk to but everyone who i thought that would be have all turned out not to be. I feel like im lying to new people ive met by telling them my online name and not my real name but im just hiding behind this character of myself that i made to make myself feel better and act like who ive always wanted to be but i feel like im just putting on this constant act and then people are only comfortable with this version of myself and im scared that when i tell them that thats not me they are just gonna leave just like everyone else. idk what to do anymore,i dont find anything fun and i just spend everyday feeling and acting miserable and i feel bad for my mum who knows that something is up but theres just so much that i dont want to worry her with it. I spend so much time trying to make everyone else happy that now ive just trapped myself with no one i can speak to cos i feel like then ill be affecting their life and making it worse for them.
If your still reading this, thank you for listening to me, look after yourselfes.

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anonymous Miscellaneous July 17, 2021 at 2:56 pm 1 0