hh

used to be, i was like, immune or somehow or other not subject to 'moods' in the swinging and negative sense, as well as 'bad days.' i had great control over my own mind, which surely we all desire. seems rather basic, and yet so few have it. now i lack it as well.

have always been angry and disgusted. these are my most dominant states of being. yet i could control it. people found me likable, personable, pleasant. i can still pull off a customer service facade but it's so much more cracked the half second the customer turns away.

am suicidal, have been for like 15 years. been working steadily on my plan, and simultaneously still trying to construct a life. just two days ago signed lease on new apartment- previous, pretty bad roommate moved out, am keeping the place. she cleaned nothing, fine, i fixed the sink, got the carpets her dog used to shit on four times a week professionally deep cleaned, scrubbed her hair dye out of the bathroom, swept up her dog's food, cleaned the freezer with its smashed wine bottle, sponged the g r i m y stove and vent that surely hadn't been cleaned ever in its life, e t c. she still has boxes and bags of miscellaneous things here, namely on the balcony; i got a notice from the complex that storage on the balcony violates the rules so i moved it inside.

this complex doesn't offer recycling options. how is this legal
how is this still legal

so i collect my own recycling and sometimes get a buddy to take it to their house which has curbside, or drop it off at the college (25min drive.) since idw put anyone out or drive often because driving is also bad for the earth, i bought a 30gallon tub so as to increase my recycling storage capabilities. it's mint green and cute and went on the balcony. i knew it was risky.

and indeed i got a notice. that's fine, i'll move it. i tried. but then i read it.
so mean
so harsh
"in violation. again."
calm down jolene
you are the one fucking the earth over

i just signed the lease and it required calling like 15 times and idw bother them any more.

work also hates the earth
everyone takes food to go. fuck plastic use, fuck styrofoam use, always get the plasticware even though they have silverware at home. sickening. horrifying. please. please. please.

new manager throws away unclaimed takeout food. i asked how he justifies it, he said it's policy. i asked for details, he said that policy is there so servers don't ring in food, pretend there's a problem, and eat for free. i ask why he doubts the integrity of our servers like that. he says it's no an integrity thing. the man doesn't know what integrity is. but i changed my semantics: trust, then. he repeats it's policy. because he can't justify it. i suggest fucking the policy and doing what's right. he says no fucking the policy.

a couple days later, he's giving out the wrong portions of some side again so i point out the policy is this portion. he says he knows. oh, thought you were all about policy? says the guest asked for it this way. alright. but then the nexttt day he does it again. as if. as if. there's another example of him fucking policy from today but i forget. the point: a careless arrogant hypocrite.

erased my argument to him

the nerve the arrogance the rudeness the ignorance how dar eyou how can you how dare you how dare anyone how no no

contemplating going to college so i took the math placement test. need a 40-46 or abouts for the necessary courses; got a 0-13. anticipated that. had to take the test on a friend's computer and all friends live 15-30min away and we know how i feel about driving. mandatory study program looked to be doable on my computers but i was mistaken, it is not. imac recently bit it and laptop too out of date. thinking about buying a new comp. funds be tight, tho, ofc. budgeted for new rent and utilities and furniture/decor, not comp.

ripped hard drive out of imac and ordered an adapter so can salvage what i didn't have backed up by transferring to laptop/thumb drives. on arrival to work, got two phone calls and some texts. i work on the expo line in a restaurant, it was friday night. i checked my phone, saw it's amazon. literally here in the future the amazon driver is asking me how to get to my apartment- i mean this in a , this is impressive way. not impressive how they needed help, but impressive that they caan ask for it. i fire a quick reply: Can you use the Hub locker? because this complex has a locker specifically for amazon. just for amazon. i get a notification of delivery some time later with a photo of my package sitting on the mailroom floor. yeah that's getting stolen.

my roommate never gave me a mail key in the six months we lived together. asked for it before leaving and then went to mailroom upon arrival home; of course there's no package in the corner. i did notice other letters and one package sitting on top of the mailboxes, though, so maybe it's a thing? maybe somehow it found its away into the mailbox per staff? people who work here seem generally nice and efficient, barring some balcony notices (remembering hurts my fucking heart.) anyway i can't check bc i can't open the door. am very bad with keys. when i get back to apt, i text ex roomie asking for jiggling advice and she reveals she only gave me the box key, not the door key, but she says she'll bring it when she gets off. probably package is totally gone, though, but until we know for sure...well yeah. still, bad feelings.

on walk back to apt, i see guy walking his dog; had seen them before and such a pretty dog. i ask if i can pet and the dog jumps on my chest. i'm cool, step back. guy explains he can be kind of aggressive so i'm like no worries and start to leave but doggy...i forget...i think he just bit me. yeah he bit my right hand. i'm cool, not so dumb as to pull or anything, just let it happen till dog is coaxed off, no worries. guy apologizes over and over, i keep saying it's fine. i get that dogs can be dangerous, oh no what if it had been a kid or someone stupider/more basic than me who freaked out and made it bad, buuut on the other hand, i was almost definitely too friendly to start with. am quite sure this is the case. i was too close and stayed too close the whole time. guy never even got to answer my question, i was already there in the dog's comfort zone. i wave with my bitten hand, proving and verbally assuring that the skin wasn't even broken, and continue heading back. there's some fucking karen who was on the phone and she starts walking with me saying his dog did that to her too and it's not okay. i say it's fine. she says no, girl, it's not okay! he let him jump on you twice! (like i said idr a second jump but idk.) i tell her everything- i was too close, it was all me, you can't just be in a dog's space like that- she storms the fuck off saying again it's not okay but fizzes out. i'm all, What you're gonna report that dog? don't do it.

a weak thing to say. probably more provocative than deterring. fuck

get home. whoops, it did break the skin, a bit; three lil teeth holes with very minimal blood. felt and feels a little numb but movement all good, seems totally fine. that guy should get a warning leash or something, and people should be more cautious around dogs. i hate fool people getting hurt and animals getting killed over it. that's fucking bullshit.

so idw this dog bite to go into the same category of the other shitty things that have happened. this is fine. the other stuff sucks. this bite did make me not want to cry, though. was thinking i might cry tonight, over the other things, but now i worry the bite may factor in and it needn't. so that is some shit.

ahh we could of course go on but done typing. . .

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sad Miscellaneous June 13, 2020 at 1:36 am 1 0