Absolute Nightmare

I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare that I’ll never wake up from. It’s like the feeling you get when you wake up from a bad dream and you feel really anxious for the first few hours of being awake, or whenever you remember it throughout the day, but constant and daily. I was recently diagnosed with OCD, and I can’t tell if the thoughts in my head are from that or from myself. I can’t tell if I really am sick and twisted, because I feel like there’s a part of me that likes the thoughts but I can’t emotionally handle that being true. I feel like I’ve lost myself entirely; memories don’t feel right, friends don’t feel right, old photos don’t feel right. I have this desperate hope, this desperate feeling that I’ll just jolt awake one morning and I’ll be back in February, when I wasn’t doing perfect but I was doing so much better than I am now.

It just can’t be true. It can’t be. I can’t be this person.

I can’t have failed myself like this.

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S. Miscellaneous December 15, 2020 at 12:24 pm 0 1