i love myself but hate myself at the same time

i grew up fighting and getting into trouble and i loved it but at the same time hated it. for the past four years i havent done anything really, ive become emotionally numb excluding anger that i have a lid on, of which i suspect is reaching a boiling point. ive been becoming increasingly violent mentally, i dont fear this, ive always kept my actions relatively in check as to avoid societal punishment. what i do fear is, as i said the societal punishment, i just feel like i want to decapitate somebody. i keep having recurring dreams of rape and i enjoy it, i dont think i feel guilty about this but i dont want to do it. the one thing that i often find myself envisioning actively in my day to day life is violence. theres this one co-worker that just pisses me off, this flamboyantly gay guy. dont get me wrong i dont give two shits that he is gay, i dont know its just something about his mannerism and fucking pheromones, whenever i walk by him i just wanna grab his head and smash it into the counter. i think i just miss the adrenaline of doing something fun. the other day after work i walked home but passed through this construction site, that little boost of adrenaline from knowing im doing something "wrong" got me so high, better than any drug ive ever done. and it wasnt even anything that bad. i dont know where im going with this, i dont think i want advice but im unsure, i just need to get it off my chest. im a highschool dropout that works fast food, i have no motivation to do anything that is culturally acceptable. the only thing i have motivation to do are delusions of grandeur that in the moment i believe myself into wanting to do, sometimes i even genuinely feel like i would die for this imagined cause. i have ready access to guns and i even dabble in illegal firearm accessories, so i by all means i have the equipment to fulfill my twisted visions and feelings. id consider myself theistic, i believe in a God and i hate him for making me be this way. but sometimes i imagine he made me this way for a purpose, no sane fucking individual would be like me. or maybe thats the point, that there isnt a purpose to why i am the way i am, im just here to do what i please when this hypothetical lid finally fucking pops. even as writing this im exciting myself at remembering my envisions of killing somebody and raping their corpse, its fucked but at the same time i dont feel anything negative towards this idea, i dont know what to do.

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anonymous Miscellaneous October 15, 2022 at 11:57 pm 0 2