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What tf is family sorry its a long rant

What tf is family sorry its a long rant

All my damn life my family has not supported me, they've been so fucking toxic. My older brothers are the favorites in the family. I'm the only sister and they treat me like crap like the rest of my family. THEY'RE SO FUCKING TOXIC, they mentally hurt me, they've done it since I was little. My mother would blame me for all her relationships with men if they ended it was my fault, if my brothers told me to go cut more or that I don't mean anything, or that I was a disappointment, IT WAS / IS ALL MY FAULT. Oh no Amy you have a attitude, I'm gonna put you in different counciling places for 8 YEARS. Oh Amy you're mad because my boyfriend was being mean and saying things to you? WELL you don't have a say, IM CALLING THE AMBULANCE SO YOU CAN GO TO THE 7TH FLOOR TO LEARN YOUR LESSON. WHAT A GREAT MOTHER HUH. I HAVE NO SAY, NO OPINIONS, I STAY IN MY ROOM AND FUCKING WAIT TO BE 20 ALREADY. When I move out I swear to GOD IM NEVER GOING BACK. OH AMY YOURE CRYING? IT DOESN'T MATTER, I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO YOU, YOU'RE FEELINGS DON'T MATTER. CLAIMING THAT YOU LOVE ME BUT THAT'S BULLSHIT. I'M 17 YEARS OLD AND YOU ALL PUT ME THROUGH THIS, FOR YEARS. YOU'RE NEVER THERE FOR ME. ALL YOU DO IS PUT ME DOWN, YOU'RE NEVER PROUD OF ME. I can't even ask you most questions a teenager wants to ask their parent, or even tell you personal things... you yelled at me when I told you I lost my virginity.. I was crying to my bf and told him all my secrets i have never told you or even wanted you to know and you were listening to it... I didn't know you were still awake.. you barged in and threatened counciling, you now know all my secrets, you you have yelled at me so much that I have never asked you anything or told you anything in a long time.. I have things going on but you'd never ask if i'm ok... I sit back and watch life happen, i'm not in it, it feels like im invisable.. I trust my bfs mother more then my own mother. MY SELFASTEEM IS NON-EXISTANT. WHENEVER I FINALLY FEEL HAPPY EVEN FOR 5 MINUTES YOU ALWAYS PUT ME DOWN AGAIN. SOCIETY ISN'T ALWAYS THE ONES WHO MAKE YOU MESSED UP IN THE FUCKING HEAD, IT'S FAMILY TOO. I AM BARELY HOLDING TF ONTO MY SANITY. IT'S EITHER I WANNA KMS OR JUST BE SO ANGRY THAT I TELL THEM HOW I FEEL, AND GOD FORBID I HAVE MY OWN VOICE, I CAN'T EVEN HAVE MY OWN OPINION, I DIRTY A DISH AND OMG IT'S SUCH A BIG DEAL, I HAVE DEPRESSION AND I WAS CUTTING MYSELF, OH AMY IT'S ALL IN YOUR HEAD, YOU NEED TO GO SEE A COUNCELOR OR GO AWAY FOR A WHILE. THIS WORLDS A BITCH. I DUNNO IF MY HEART IS TORE INTO 10000 PIECES THAT I'M UPSET, OR I'M JUST SO ANGRY ALL THE TIME NOW. I honestly am very heartbroken when I see normal, happy families.... One day I plan to have my own little family who actually care about me.. When did I become so cold you ask...? Well I ask where is the person I used to know, they must have left with my feelings... I no longer feel things I know I should, I'm scared to live, but I'm scared to die. I'm so lost as a person it kills me inside.. I am holding onto the thought of my future, you don't understand how much words have hurt me all these years, you're so lucky I am still here right now, if it wasn't for my hope for a future with Jeffrey I wouldn't be here. He is the one person, just him, who knows all my secrets, my thoughts, has seen, heard, felt, and wiped away, all my tears, all my feelings, the person who sadly has to deal with my over thinking, my depression, my constant mood swings of happy to ready to die, the only person who has saved my life, he is the one who has to deal with all of this until I move out with him one day, he is the one who reminds me I am a human being I am a person, I should have a opinion, a voice, that I am beautiful, that no matter how fucked up my family / school has made me, I am still a human, I am still lovable, I am not completely ruined.. I still have a part of the old me inside, I can still be happy, and that he will never treat me like my family does. and that he will never leave me. He has taught me how to hold on, even though he has never felt any of these feelings I am feeling, he still understands, he still listens, he tells me it will be okay, that it's not my fault... When I feel horrible and feel that it's me, that i'm crazy, he always tells me, it's not your fault you're like this baby.. it's the way they treat you, and your not crazy, its not all in your head. I do wish I had a family who truely appreciates me, but I know that it will never be true, I'm just so stuck, but when I'm 20 im gone, I'll move, i will never visit this family ever again. In my eyes they / this is not family. Family is so much more. Thanks for reading <3
Amy Parents January 03, 2021 at 12:52 am 0
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I'm in a similar situation. I'm so lost as a person it kills me inside but I don't want to kill myself.
My mother, older brother, father and relatives teamed up to harm me ever since I can remember. They lied and continue to lie to get away with violence. They've even brought other sadistic individuals and groups in to increase the abuse, since I'm still fighting for my life.
It's been over 30 years. The authorities have done nothing. People who could have been kind decided otherwise. The incidents of verbal, mental, emotional and sexual harassment have increased, spurred on by strangers with no regard for female life, including quite a few insecure female and gender diverse individuals helping quite a lot of (mostly third-world) incel/aggressive/desperate males. Any refusal to participate in their power games or matchmaking results in harm to me. Any act of independence or assertion on my part results in harm to me. Trying to make new friends or make peace results in harm to me.
anonymous 10 months ago
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